I Guess This is Goodbye
by EclecticTrekker
Summary: Missing scenes from “Conversion”. Elizabeth told them that it was time to give their last goodbyes to Sheppard. What were each of the characters planning on saying to him before he left them for good?
1. Elizabeth

"**I Guess This is Goodbye"**

**Show: **Stargate Atlantis

**Genre: **Angst/General/Missing Scene

**Pairing: **Slight Shep/Teyla

**Summary**: Missing scenes/POVs from "Conversion". Elizabeth told all of them that it was time to give their last goodbyes to Colonel Sheppard. What were each of the characters planning on saying to him before he left them for good? One short chapter for each perspective. R&R S.V.P!

**Disclaimer: **Don't own any of the characters, Atlantis, the Daedalus, or the SGC. But I did manage to sneak an Asgard into my closet…he followed me home from school one day.

**Author's Note:** "Conversion" was pretty dang awesome, but I was kind of sad that we didn't get to see any of the private goodbyes between him and the others. I felt a little gypped, so I figured I'd just write them myself. Interpret these any way that you want – if you see something that I didn't intend to write in, glad it works for you. Hope you like them!

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**Chapter One: Elizabeth**

Carson says that the news isn't good, and it's getting harder and harder to hide it from you. The others can sense it too. I can see it on their faces – Teyla's taking it pretty hard, McKay and Ronon too, though they try to hide it a little more. How are we…how am _I _supposed to say goodbye to you? I guess I always knew that this sort of thing came with the job. Amid all of the excitement and discovery and anticipation there has to be something horribly unpleasant, and I think I've found it.

I wish I could just say that you were my colleague and my friend and move on from there, but I think we'd both know that that sort of simplicity is a lie. I never would have thought it was possible to know someone better than you know yourself, but that was before all of us came to Atlantis. We've all become more than friends and more than colleagues…we're a family, John, and knowing that we're losing you hurts more than any of us have the courage to say.

I guess in a way I feel like I should apologize to you. If I hadn't worked to get you on this expedition, convinced you that coming here was the right thing to do, then you wouldn't be lying in the infirmary, dying while we can only stand by and watch. I know that if you were awake and listening you'd try to convince me that it isn't my fault, but I can't help but feel responsible for you, even more so than the others at times, simply because you didn't really want to be here. I asked, pulled a few strings, and you accepted.

Even though I can almost hear you telling me that it wasn't my fault, I know that in my position you would be thinking the exact same thing. I know you, John, and I know that you feel the same responsibility for those around you that I do. You would give your life for anyone on this station without hesitation, and the people that have come to love and respect you over the past year would do the same for you. I don't think you ever realized the power that you have over those around you. You only need to look into your teammates' eyes to see it – the loyalty and dedication that they have for you is almost overwhelming. I feel almost selfish when I say this, but I'm dreading telling them that we're losing you forever; the pain that I will see is going to be too much to bear. You've brought them together and believed in them when no one else did, and that sort of bond is going to be impossible to replace.

Carson's been saying that maybe it would be for the best for us to let you go, but I guess the truth is that I'm too selfish for that. Knowing that tomorrow I'm going to have to wake up and face Atlantis alone…it's not that I won't. It's more that I can't. It was your friendship and dedication and compassion that made me question myself and everything that I held dear. You forced me to turn all of my ideas about the military, command, leadership, and decisions inside out…and knowing I might have to go on without you is so hard.

I don't really know how to actually say goodbye. Nothing seems good enough for this situation, and if I try to figure out how to say it, it'll mean that I have to let go. Thank you for everything, John…you've done more than you know. We're not giving up on you.

TBC: Rodney

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I've never written anything like this, so I don't know how it turned out. Ideas on how to make it better?


	2. Rodney

"**I Guess This is Goodbye"**

**Show: **Stargate Atlantis

**Genre: **Angst/General/Missing Scene

**Pairing: **Slight Shep/Teyla

**Summary**: Missing scenes/POVs from "Conversion". Elizabeth told all of them that it was time to give their last goodbyes to Colonel Sheppard. What were each of the characters planning on saying to him before he left them for good? One short chapter for each perspective. R&R S.V.P!

**Disclaimer: **Don't own any of the characters, Atlantis, the Daedalus, or the SGC. But I did manage to sneak an Asgard into my closet…he followed me home from school one day.

**Author's Note: **Wow! You guys are the best! I didn't expect such an overwhelmingly positive response to the first chapter, but getting all of your reviews was like having Christmas every time I saw one in my in-box. Thanks so, so, so, so much for your kind words – they really motivate authors to keep up with a story. Hope that you like this one as much as Elizabeth's. I've never really written from Rodney's perspective, so I hope the voice turns out okay.

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**Chapter Two: Rodney**

Did you know I used to be a hypochondriac? Yeah, I know, it's kind of weird, but when I was younger, I used to think I was getting sick all of the time. And not only did I _think_ I was getting sick, but the idea of illness terrified me – so I was a nervous wreck growing up since every cough and sniffle made me think I was dying or something. I've gotten a lot better since then – don't let Carson tell you any differently – and over time I thought I'd forgotten why I always got so freaked out by disease.

Okay, I'm really going somewhere with this, Colonel. It's just…when I look at you like this the same feeling comes back from when I was younger. I remember how it felt to be so afraid that you thought things couldn't get any worse. You've probably never felt that way before, but if you have, I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about. It's that feeling where you get so scared that you feel like nothing will ever be okay again. Your stomach pinches so hard that it hurts for days afterwards, and sometimes you feel like you have to stuff your fists in your mouth to keep from screaming or crying. I've read about what happens when you suffer a massive coronary – diagnosed myself with one once by mistake – and somehow it sounds far less painful than the cold, squeezing pressure that I have around my heart.

Did you ever feel like that?

Even looking at you now, I can't imagine you ever going through that – being so helpless and afraid that you think it would be easier to curl up in a ball somewhere and die. I mean, come on, you _are_ John Sheppard, and I know you've been afraid. Everyone gets afraid, but being as afraid as I am right now…not possible. You're too strong and too brave and too big of a person for that. You're too…good.

The reason I'm so afraid when I look at you is that I know that you're not going to be here tomorrow. When I was little I used to be afraid that I would lose myself, and now I'm terrified that I'm going to lose a _part_ of myself but that the rest is still going to be here to feel the aching hurt that the empty place leaves behind.

Before I came to Atlantis, you could call me a loner. I didn't want much to do with anybody, and they didn't seem to want me around either. Other people never seemed as important to me, but being here has changed things for reasons that I can't really understand – and it's a very frustrating thing not to understand something, especially something as fundamental as yourself. Now, it's like all of us are _meant_ to be together, like we're here to do something that none of us completely understand and that all of us are a critical, important part of that something. You're not _supposed_ to be in that hospital bed. It doesn't seem right somehow, and not just that you're dying, but the fact that you're leaving. Leaving us.

The little drippy thing that's attached to your arm just started beeping, so I think that means I have to hurry this up. Okay, what I really wanted to say was that I wish you could have known how much I respected and admired you. I know I always say things about the military and make fun of you all the time, but there's a big part of me that would love to have your bravery and your confidence and the ease with which you do everything. It doesn't mean much now, but there's a lot of you that I was almost jealous of because I saw so much in you that I wished I had. I've come to respect you a lot more than I ever thought possible, and I might even go so far as to call you a role model – but that's on a good day, so don't go getting an inflated ego on me. And when I remember that you're not going to be around in only a few hours, that queasy horrible sick feeling comes back, and that part of me that wants to be you feels like it wants to shrivel and die.

Um, I guess that's it. I know you can't hear me or understand what I'm saying, but thanks for letting me want to be a better person than I am. That's hard for me to admit, but you really did make me face who I was and realize that there are things I can and should change. And who knows? Maybe one day I'll actually manage to knock off a Wraith, and when I do, I'll be sure to dedicate it to you. Thanks, John.

TBC: Ronon

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Any good? Drop me a line and let me know!


	3. Ronon

"**I Guess This is Goodbye"**

**Show: **Stargate Atlantis

**Genre: **Angst/General/Missing Scene

**Pairing: **Slight Shep/Teyla

**Summary**: Missing scenes/POVs from "Conversion". Elizabeth told all of them that it was time to give their last goodbyes to Colonel Sheppard. What were each of the characters planning on saying to him before he left them for good? One short chapter for each perspective. R&R S.V.P!

**Disclaimer: **Don't own any of the characters, Atlantis, the Daedalus, or the SGC. But I did manage to sneak an Asgard into my closet…he followed me home from school one day.

**Author's Note: **Um, yeah. Have I told you guys recently that you are flipping amazing? I love hearing from all of you, and you've been so good to me in terms of reviews for this story – thank you, thank you, thank you! It makes me so happy that you like it! Ronon challenged me a bit, just because he's still a new character and hasn't been around Sheppard as much as the others. He isn't very talkative either (no kidding!), so I hope this chapter turned out okay. Again, haven't really ever written for his voice, so I did the best I could. Read and review please!

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**Chapter Three: Ronon**

When a warrior dies on Sateda it is customary for his comrades to pay him tribute in a very specific way. Usually a ballad of the warrior's life and accomplishments is composed for his friends and family to remember him. All of his belongings except for his sidearm are buried to signify cutting the ties to the living world – the weapon is given to the family along with his service commendations. Finally, the warrior's body is cremated and his ashes are scattered to the winds while the ballad is chanted by the gathering. This is supposed to symbolize the warrior's need for change and movement as he is carried away from his family. But even with this desire for change, the warrior never really leaves home – he is bound to Sateda forever and will always find peace there.

Dr. McKay has been telling me about the death rites of your world. They are certainly more subdued than those on Sateda, and I'm not sure that such a passive ending is fitting for you. Dying and just being buried in the ground, staying in one place forever…it doesn't seem right for Colonel Sheppard. Then again, I don't know if the warrior rites of Sateda are appropriate either.

You _are_ a warrior – strong, passionate, brave, and cunning. But there is more to you than only characteristics of force. Where I come from, leaders, particularly military leaders, get to positions of power through bravery, force, resourcefulness, and sometimes violence. You need to be strong in order to survive on Sateda, and to get anywhere of importance, you need to be willing to get your hands dirty.

You possess some of these qualities, which makes you a warrior. But that isn't all that I see. The first time that I met you, your attitude confused me. Even though I was the one with the gun and the power to kill you anytime I wanted, you didn't even try to fight back in a way that I would have expected. On Sateda, such a situation calls for a warrior to do anything necessary to win back control of the situation, even if such tactics call for injury or death. I didn't understand how someone who was in the military and was responsible for the lives of others wouldn't use violence to achieve their goals. You were diplomatic, calm, understanding, and subdued, and this threw me more than you realize.

I had been taught from a young age to respect anything that carried a gun or used its fists (until you could best them in the ring, that is), but I couldn't help but feel a grudging admiration for you even then. I started watching you while you were hunting for your friend in the forest, and I've been watching you ever since. I suppose it puzzles me how someone can be so confident in themselves and their position without having to rely on a sidearm to back them up. Not only that, but I've seen the way others treat you. Everyone regards you with a level of respect that I don't think you completely realize. Dr. McKay seems to enjoy making everyone miserable, but I don't think he does it out of disrespect for you. I've seen the way Teyla looks at you as well. The respect and understanding that she has in her eyes whenever you speak to her frightens me a little. The power of that bond is something I've never come across, even in the military ranks on Sateda. It comes from something more than simple deference and admiration of authority – it is pure trust and unrestrained loyalty. That's rarer than you realize.

Maybe it's because you've never had to deal with having your authority overthrown, but where I come from, it is rare that one can hold on to such a level of power without having to constantly prove themselves in battle. You've taught me that some of the truths that I've always known – that death is the only universal constant, that violence can get you where you need to be, that words cannot be strength – may not be as concrete as I believed them to be. I know I haven't always been the easiest person to get along with, but that was never because of anger or regret that I came to Atlantis. I won't forget you, Colonel Sheppard, and I promise that I'll try to think before I act. If there's one thing you tried to drill into me, that was probably it, so I'll give it my best shot. Goodbye, Colonel.

TBC: Teyla

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Thanks for reading – that one was really tough to finish. That review button is looking pretty tempting, isn't it? Heehee!


	4. Teyla

"**I Guess This is Goodbye"**

**Show: **Stargate Atlantis

**Genre: **Angst/General/Missing Scene

**Pairing: **Slight Shep/Teyla

**Summary**: Missing scenes/POVs from "Conversion". Elizabeth told all of them that it was time to give their last goodbyes to Colonel Sheppard. What were each of the characters planning on saying to him before he left them for good? One short chapter for each perspective. R&R S.V.P!

**Disclaimer: **Don't own any of the characters, Atlantis, the Daedalus, or the SGC. But I did manage to sneak an Asgard into my closet…he followed me home from school one day.

**Author's Note: **This one is dedicated to all my buddies at the Shep/Teyla thread at Gateworld who keep me sane when I really need it – you know who you are you crazy shippers, you! Anyways, I'm not sure if this will be the last chapter or not…maybe one with Shep's POV, but we'll see what happens. I finally figured out how I can post at a more decent speed, so everything should be normal doings from now on. This was actually harder for me to write than I thought it would be, so I hope it all turned out okay. Please drop me a line when you're done!

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**Chapter Four: Teyla**

I am still not certain what I want to say to you – Ronon finished too quickly for me to decide what would be best. When Dr. Weir told us that it was time for us to say goodbye, I did not want to believe it was true. I had come to think of you as someone who would never leave, someone who could not be injured or killed. Even now there is a part of me that insists the next time I see you, this will all go away and this time will only be a memory, a nightmare that fades away into nothing.

But I know that this is not to be. Carson says it is only a few hours until…

Do you know what I am thinking right now? I cannot help but think that as long as I stay here with you it may all turn out all right. Perhaps somehow, if I do not leave your side, if I take your hand, if I never look away, I can ward off whatever is coming to take you from me. You would not, you _could _not die in front of me – that is not supposed to happen. Part of me believes that if I stay, you would not be allowed to die.

There is something horribly unnatural about watching a friend die in front of your eyes. The universe was not designed that way, and it was especially not meant for you to be here like this. When my father was taken from me, it was a horrible time in my life but not something that had been unexpected. The Wraith were always a part of me, and I knew I could not avoid loss at their hands forever; it was terrible and sad, but I accepted it with little resistance. It was a part of life. Seeing you like this is different. This whole thing was an accident, and to have you, John Sheppard, die because of an _accident_ seems so pointless and so wrong. It could have just as easily been me or Ronon and to have it happen to you just because you were _there_…it is not fair, and it should not be happening this way.

There is so much that I need to tell you and so little time to do it. I always thought that there would be enough time to tell you everything but now there is little chance that I will ever be able to speak to you again. I have lost many friends and family members to the Wraith since I was very young, but none of those losses has ever made me feel as helpless and lost as I do now. Before, I was forced to keep my emotions from showing. As leader of the Athosians, it was my responsibility to be the voice of reason and stability, so allowing fear to take hold was not an option. You gave me permission to be afraid. You made me realize that everyone sometimes needs to be second, if only to allow someone else to take control for a moment. Without you, where am I supposed to go?

I never had the chance to explain the real reason why I stayed on Atlantis. It was because of you. My people had learned to fear the Wraith and to accept them as part of our existence; I had never known that life could be any different until I met you. The city of Atlantis offered my people a great deal of hope, but even I was not convinced by the discovery alone. Only you made me believe that there could be a future without fear or despair. To me, you were strong, confident, kind, compassionate, understanding…and funny. I believe it was your sense of humor that first struck me. My people are not without humor, but it had been so long since we had found anything to laugh about. Nothing could have convinced me more than your smile and your laugh did. As soon as I saw you smile I knew that there was hope – there could be no way for such a beautiful, honest thing to exist without a reason for happiness. Even now, there are times when I am convinced that we will never be able to live without the presence of the Wraith, but I only have to turn to you for a wink or a laugh or a smile to know that there is always reason for hope.

You have been one of the few people that I have ever felt comfortable sharing my fear and anger and sorrow with. I know that it has not always been easy for you to have to defend me to the others on Atlantis. There has always been a great deal of speculation as to why you trusted me when no one else did, and hearing such rumors could not have been easy either. Colonel…John, your trust in me meant more than I ever told you. I do not know why I earned such confidence from you, but it was something that I never took lightly. I believe that you and I are alike in that we do not trust people easily, and the fact that you never doubted me made my loyalty to you even stronger. Now that you are leaving, it is as though I am not just losing a friend but a part of myself, the part that is confident and strong and proud…the part that is most important.

I know that you cannot even hear me right now, but I wanted to talk to you about what happened earlier in the gym. I was not angered or upset by it…you only surprised me. It was not something that I did not want to happen…I mean…why is it that you can still make me uneasy when you are not even awake? What I meant to say was that I wish it could have happened differently. It will not make a difference now, but I wish it had happened when we were both ourselves.

Dr. Beckett says that I can only stay for another moment – we are already losing you, so I need to tell you what I really came for. This is not easy for me to say, but I care for you a great deal…perhaps much more than I should as a member of your team. The reason why I do not call you "John", even when we are alone, is that it is not safe for me to lose my sense of formality with you. It is easier for both of us if you are Colonel Sheppard. I did not want to risk losing your friendship – it is too important to me – but now I am losing you completely. I will never have another chance to tell you, and even now with you asleep I am almost too afraid. John, I need you, more than I have ever needed anyone before, and I…I think I might love you. I do not know when I first realized it, but it has been some time now. I always believed that I would have enough time to tell you, but now fate has chosen for us and you will never know.

I guess this is goodbye, John. I know you cannot hear me, but…I love you. And I know you cannot feel it, but this is my half of the kiss. There will never be another like you John Sheppard.

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Okay, that was it. Phew! Comments, concerns, gripes, squees? I'd love to hear them all in a nice little review.


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